Soap is not a condiment
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
