Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Come on in and take your pants off
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