I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
