I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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