Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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