Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
