If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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