I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
