I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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