Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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