The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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