At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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