fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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