i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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