Little spoons don't ask big questions
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
