I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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