I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
