Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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