I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
