Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
