mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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