Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
