it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
