Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize