Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm passing your future prison.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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