I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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