I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
