I just pynch a tree in the face
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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