I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
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