make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
