hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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