I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
