It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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