I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He did a backflip because drugs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
