evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
