She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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