my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im holly from the hills drunk
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
