I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
