Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
