Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think your dad took our porno
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
