Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
