I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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