You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
