I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
