Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
