Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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