Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize