We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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