a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
