if you like me you must not know who I am
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
