So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
