drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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