I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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