Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
