I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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