Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
