I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
nutella sex= disaster
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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