i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
