I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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