apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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