I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
