How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
