I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
