The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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