im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
