$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
