First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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