We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As shirtless as possible
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize