READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize